My flight to California was pretty uneventful. I followed doctor's orders and walked around the plane just about every hour and drank TONS of water. The traveling was much easier than I expected it to be. Hubby and I had a row all to ourselves and were stationed right near the bathroom, which was necessary given my water consumption. Also, because we were on Jet Blue we had TV to watch the whole time, which made the flight go much faster.
When we arrived we went straight to my Aunt B's house to see my great Aunt L who was really not doing well. She was experiencing moments of lucidity, but they were becoming few and far between. Her breathing was becoming more labored but her pulse was still pretty strong. When we arrived, we were quickly ushered down to my cousin's room where she was spending her final days. Hospice was there giving all of my Aunt's and my mom some additional instructions on caring for Aunt L. It was a bit shocking to see her. Aunt L, the matriarch of our family, was always a feisty fireball of a woman, all 4'9" of her, but here she was, lying in a hospital bed, no makeup (despite the fact that she kept asking for lipstick, even in her final days) and largely helpless. She never wanted to be a burden on ANYONE, and we all knew that she would hate the way her last few days were transpiring. I was told by my cousin's and uncle who are doctors that she knew I was in the room and it was the time to say goodbye. She may be around for a few more days, but her lucidity would become less frequent. My brother joined me in the room and we just sat there staring at her and crying... I knew it was going to be one of my last opportunities to talk to her, but I was just speechless. I literally had no idea what to say besides "I love you Aunt L." She was the only grandmother I ever had... Despite that she wasn't my real, blood grandmother, she was the only one I ever knew. My mom's parents unfortunately both died by the time she was 5 years old. So, she and her sister moved in with their mother's sister, Aunt L, and her husband and two girls (Aunt B and Aunt J). It's really sad for me when I reflect on the fact that my mom missed out on having a mother of her own and now, her mother figure from age 5 onward was quickly deteriorating in front of our eyes.
After about 20 minutes or so in the room with Aunt L, we left and joined the rest of the family. In all, there were 26 of us all at Aunt B's house. As soon as Aunt L took a turn for the worse, we all hopped on planes from assorted cities around the country to be there to honor dear L. She would have been thrilled that we were all together and I think she knew. We're very fortunate that three of my family members are in medicine... two doctors and one surgeon... so we had around the clock care for Aunt L in the home, administering the necessary drugs to ease her pain. One of my uncles is even a social worker and he deals with people in their last days all the time, so it was also nice to have someone around who could fill us in on how the final days could transpire and provide us with some insight from personal experience as to the signs of when a person is truly going to pass on.
The next two days were a little bit surreal... We couldn't all just sit around her bed all day and since we aren't all together that often, we tried to keep busy and enjoy being together... Some of us handled meal planning (cooking / preparing meals for 26 is a job in and of itself, necessitating multiple trips to Costco with lots of cars) while others rotated tending to L. It's so wonderful that Aunt B has a house that can easily accommodate our family of 26. It's literally a house built for entertaining (including everything from a movie theater room and firepit to a swimming pool and pool table). And while we were all sleeping at assorted houses/hotels, we all used Aunt B's as a home base since that was where Aunt L was spending her final days.
Watching the different personalities in my family deal with the grief of losing our matriarch was really interesting. Some of the family couldn't tend to her, do the diaper changes, washings, etc... They contributed to the effort by doing grocery shopping and providing activities for the many cousins. While others, had a hard time leaving the house... That included my mom. She's a complete nurturer and spent a ton of time with Aunt L in her final days and hours. Aunt L acted as her mother from age five on. They were extremely close... just as close as mother and daughter. They spoke daily and I think my mom was incredibly grateful for the wonderful home Aunt L gave her after the tragedy of losing her parents at such a young age.
I can't lie and say that the past couple days were completely miserable. While difficult, in the spirit of Aunt L's life and wishes that we not mourn for her, the family really took advantage of the time together to enjoy one and other. Some of the men went on a boat ride (one of my uncles has one his boats docked in San Diego), while others would go on hikes in the nearby mountains. The women in the family took frequent shopping trips to get out of the house and we all also did what Jewish families are known for... We ate. And we ate and ate and ate and ate. We cooked in the house, family friends sent trays and platters over and we even went to one restaurant that we completely took over. While the reason we all got together was incredibly sad, we all really did our best to spend quality time together and bond. One night we all huddled around the firepit on my aunt and uncle's wrap around balcony and just all told jokes... we really needed the laugh!
This week made me incredibly grateful for my wonderful family. Despite being a hoard of 26 and living all over the country, we're incredibly close. I'm really excited that little Brady is going to be born into such a big, tight knit family with so many cousins, Aunts and Uncles that he's not going to be able to keep them straight! It's also been really nice for me that hubby is such an integral part of the family. I mean, he has been around everyone for 14 years, but he just really fits in with our brood. We're loud, in each others business and our dynamic is COMPLETELY different than his own family, yet he easily gels with everyone. Of course he was there supporting me, but he was also hugging my uncles as they shed tears when their mother-in-law passed, and did whatever he could to help Aunt B, our host, with whatever she needed. Aunt L really loved my hubby and that means alot to me.
Hubby spent alot of time also contributing funny/charming Aunt L stories to our conversations this week... Like, when he went off to college, she sent him there with a tin full of her famous peanut butter blossom cookies so he could make friends. And apparently it worked, he did meet one of his really good friends early on and they enjoyed peanut butter blossoms together! After that, she sent him tins of cookies so he could maintain his friendships! Hubby also recalled a story about when Aunt L was visiting with us in NJ and the phone rang... She went to answer it and couldn't figure out why nobody was responding on the other end... We had to tell her that she was answering the remote control! The stories could go on (and I'm sure they will in future posts)...
Yesterday she passed. I'm staying at Aunt B's and have been waking up early. I went to sit with Aunt L at 7am... The whole idea was for her to never be alone... We wanted someone to be there as she took her last breath. I just sat there counting the seconds between her breaths and thinking about all of our wonderful times together. While it was hard to see her like this, I was really happy to be there. Throughout the day her breaths became further apart. We all rotated spending time in the room, some went on hikes, or out for lunch, etc... I went with Aunt B to walk her dogs in the neighborhood... She had Brownie and I had Alfie. We didn't make it very far when Brownie darts behind a bush and grabs a bunny rabbit, shaking him violently. We got Brownie to drop the bunny, but unfortunately, the bunny was dying. Brownie had NEVER done this before. Aunt B and I ran home and sent one of the men to retrieve the bunny, who was dead upon arrival. We took this occurrence as a bit of an omen... Today was going to be the day. Afterwards, I joined some of the guys and we went to an authentic mexican spot for lunch. When we got back to Aunt B's we all just kinda hung out... I wasn't feeling that great, so I took a nap at around 3pm. I woke up at about a quarter to five and was upstairs with hubby having some water, when I thought I heard a family member say something I wasn't sure I was ready to hear. I run down the stairs and learn that she just passed and took her last breath. My mom, Aunt L's daughters and all of the husband's were in the room when it happened. We all gathered around her bed and cried, said a prayer and then sprung into action... Calling the funeral home, hospice, the family members who were out running errands and the few extended family members who were not around.
The mood in the house changed a bit... it turned pretty quiet, but didn't stay that way for long. Once everyone was back at the house we all sat around telling stories and making dinner. We decided that instead of mourning, we would turn the evening into a celebration of her life. We turned the music up, busted out the cocktails (none for me) and all just reminisced and shared wonderful memories. When the funeral home came, we all gathered around her as they wrapped her up and took her out of the house. At 92 years old, Aunt L led a wonderful life. She was driving up until this past May... She was with "it" and active her whole life and that demanded a celebration. We bbq'd and just spent quality time together... everyone pitched in.
We will all be together today and tomorrow to continue the celebration of her life and mourn her death at the funeral. I think today we plan to bust out the home movies and sit around the home theater and just remember the good times we all had together. It's definitely what she would have wanted!
