This weekend was interesting... Saturday I was incredibly moody and irritable where it became practically personality changing. Absolutely everything that happened on Saturday irritated the crap out of me (so much so, that I'm not even going to recount the days events, but there was lots of bitching by me, crying in a mall bathroom, etc...). I've noticed that my tolerance for people and my patience has hit an all time low... I've always been a bit of a people pleaser and right now I really just don't give a damn what other people want... The stress of all of these life changes is really wearing on me... Moving, new baby, career decisions, etc...
All around, Saturday was just not fun... We got pulled over and hubby got a ticket for failing to turn left in a left hand lane (stupidest ticket ever), we had to return the car that hubby was using back to the dealer (dad lent it to us, yada yada yada, hubby needed it for his 3 hour commute, now he's back to the train) and we pretty much wasted the entire day dealing with the car. The high notes for the day included getting to see my mom's pup, Max. The CUTEST dog ever... He definitely put a smile on my face. And hubby got to feel the baby kick for the first time... So now my party for two has expanded to a party for three - we're all involved.
Sunday was better... I got to catch up with some friends who I haven't seen in months. Seven of us got together for brunch at my friend K's house in Pleasantille, NY (the burbs). It was nice to see everyone, hear what's been going on in the land of the living, etc... Days like that make me feel more human and less like a wacky pregnant lady.
Sunday afternoon I spent contemplating my career and maternity plans. With the summer fast approaching, I realized that I don't have much time before this baby comes (and he reminds me of that every day as the kicks get stronger and more frequent!) This has been one of the most stressful things about having baby Brady. I have been working for just about ten years... It's all I've ever known and it's a huge part of my identity. I really enjoy what I do and I've got a great thing going with two clients who I LOVE. But once Brady comes, I know things are going to change... And frankly, even before he comes, I need some time to get my shit together! Since I'm not a full time staffer, I'm a fully booked consultant, my maternity planning is a bit more complicated than most (income ends when I stop working and no guarantee of a job when my "maternity leave" is over). I've been working with both of my clients for just about two years. They're both small, wonderful, entrepreneurial, fast-growing companies that I feel a real affinity for. When you work with smaller brands (I've found) you are able to create such a stronger emotional connection to them because you're able to make a tangible impact on their business. That's totally awesome and I've found the past two years of my life to be some of the most rewarding, career-wise. This also presents me with a predicament... I don't want to give it up, but I know I have to scale back. I'm not the type who will feel comfortable leaving my kid after a few months (at least I don't think I am, but I won't really know until the time comes). So, last night I worked on my ideal scenario for each client... What I think I can work on until he comes, who can absorb some of my responsibilities when he arrives, my availability over the next few months, etc... This is one of the hardest things I've ever done... I have a tendency to try to over extend myself in these situations but everyone in my life is telling me I just can't... Until the baby is born, I need to put myself and his well being first, and then once he's out, it turns into the baby show. My fear is losing the momentum that I've built with these two wonderful companies and damaging my career. I know that I shouldn't care, because career vs. child is a no brainer... but my career has been all I've ever known, so it's scary. Since I'm a consultant, there is no guarantee that I won't be replaced if I end up taking off alot of time... I'm also slightly concerned about the economic impact that moving to a one income family (even for a short time) will have on our lives. We have savings, but living in NYC is no joke and unfortunately we now need to move to a bigger apartment and let's be honest, me and hubby like nice, new apartments... we've always had a doorman, etc... Now that we're having a baby, I don't really want to take a step down in our living arrangement, especially since I am going to be spending more time at home than ever... That just means more money spent and less money coming in... Ayiyi... I'm rambling... but this is just a little snapshot of what's been going on in my head... I'm overwhelmed by my thoughts to say the least...
Today I'm working from home, which is nice, because I puked as soon as I woke up ... My 'large mango' (the baby) and uterus 'the size of a soccer ball' are growing bigger by the day... It's hard to believe that I'm going to get even bigger in the coming months...
